Just like Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, I’m here to tell you how to lose your car keys in 10 seconds.
Sure, car keys and Matthew McConaughey aren’t nearly the same level of attractiveness, or even usefulness, but the concept is the same.
Here’s how you do it:
Just be a dumb bitch like me.
Did you just have the keys in your hand like, 10 seconds ago? Now they are mysteriously not in your hand, or on the kitchen counter, or the side table, or the couch, or on the floor, or in the baby’s carseat? They are gone. Forever. Don’t you wish you had one of those key trackers you can never convince yourself to buy? You know, those ones that come with a cell phone app and you thought ‘huh, that seems unnecessary to add another app’ when you first saw it. Yeah you should have gotten that app. Oh wait, here are your keys, they are in the ignition, you are a dumb bitch.
First of all, is it even Battlefield he is playing?
I mean, there are people shooting like they would on a battlefield, but is this one like, Halo or Red Dead Redemption? Are those all different?
Anyway, your man is playing whatever this game is and not paying attention to you or the dinner you made or the sexy nighty you just ‘slipped on’.
So, what do you do?
There are several things you should do, like meditate, catch up on that book you’ve been trying to finish for 4 years, binge watch your favorite girly show, meal prep for the week, the list goes on…
Not feeling so introspective and/or productive?
No problem, here are our top 5 suggestions for things to do while he’s yelling ‘DUDE WTF I HAD YOU’.
Throw things at him – Throw the tv remote at him, or maybe your phone, or maybe the cat.
Drink his whiskey – You know, that expensive stuff he only drinks with his boys.
Go burn his clothes – All of them. Just burn them.
DM his bestie – JK, don’t do this. Unless you want to.
Try to take his car keys without him noticing. – Seriously, he will notice. And he will question you. And maybe he’s paying attention now.
Need to work out but don’t want to actually leave your couch?
That is totally fine, we get it, working out is stupid hard.
Here are some things you can still do without actually getting your ass off that couch!
Arm Lifts – With your feet firmly on the ground, lift your arms up. Just really put them in the air. Next, wave them around like you just don’t care. Continue for a full commercial.
Leg Lifts – Put your remote in your left hand and lift your right leg slowly as far as you can. Do this 5 times then switch the remote to your right hand and lift your left leg.
Attitude Lifts – With your feet firmly on the ground and your remote clutched tightly within one hand, think of all the cool shit you did today or are planning to do today. You’re kick ass, keep it up!
Finger Reps – Get ready to be a channel surfing master, all you need to do is go through 100 channels as fast as you can with your right thumb, and then your left. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids after this one. Beer is probably fine.
Toe Curls – Take your disgusting shoes and socks off and wiggle your toes around, stretching them out. Once fully stretched, start curling each toe one by one, really working those obscure muscles you have no idea how to control.
Kegels – You literally don’t even have to move any part of your body for this one, just flex your sex parts to keep everything really neat and tidy down there. You’re an adult now, you need to do Kegels.
Neck Rolls – Feet planted firmly on the ground, arms lazily to your sides, start rolling your neck clockwise, slowly, then counterclockwise. Really try to strain yourself and pop your neck while doing so.
Belly Rolls – Look down at your stomach and count your belly rolls. This is more of a mental exercise.
Boob Flexes – Get those pectorals going like Terry Crews for one whole commercial!
Knee Rollers – For this one you are going to need to place your hands on both knees and slowly roll your knee cap around. If it seems weird and unnecessary, you are doing it right.
Be sure to drink plenty of beer afterward and get plenty of rest, probably another couple hours of tv should do it.
6 Reasons I Can’t Make it To Swimsuit Season this Year: 6 Most Calorie Filled Restaurant Items
Bruleed French Toast – 2,780 Cheesecake Factory This syrup smothered blissful breakfast delight comes with a few thick cut slices of French Bread topped with powdered sugar and syrup, with a side of bacon or grilled ham to boot.
Pineapple Upside Down Master Blast – 2,020 Sonic Vanilla ice cream, salted caramel, pie crust pieces, pineapple, and whipped cream topped with a cherry…who knew such a delicious shake could have such an undelicious calorie count?
Herb Roasted Prime Rib – 2,400 Outback Steakhouse 1,400 calories come in the piece of prime rib you will be served, not to mention the fully dressed baked potato, wedge salad with blue cheese, and small loaf of bread and butter. Holy cow (literally)!
Create Your Own Combo – 2710 Red Lobster Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut shrimp, Walt’s Shrimp, and Linquine Alfredo Shrimp: take your pick, pair it with a side of fries and a caesar salad, plus that always delicious cheddar bay biscuit, and you are looking at nearly 3,000 calories!
Peppercorn Burger Meal – 3,540 Red Robin Gourmet Burgers One big juicy burger topped with bacon, pepper jack cheese, peppercorn spread, and crispy onions, one order of all-you-can-eat french fries, and a salted caramel shake…hello 2-days worth of calories!
Stuffed Sausage and Pepperoni Pizza – 810/slice Sbarro Pizza You read that right, this Sbarro specialty comes packed with 810 calories PER SLICE. You’d be better off eating 2 McDonald’s Quarter Pounders.
Unpleasant Surprises: Extra Large Mountain Dew Baja Blast – Taco Bell – 1,134 Large Veggie Deluxe Sandwich – Quizno’s – 1,060 Premium Chicken Club Sandwich – McDonald’s – 670 Build Your Own Salad – Chipotle – 930
8 Apps that are Draining Your Battery & Your Patience
There are several things you may be unaware of running down the battery on your smartphone, as well as several things you could be doing about it to save major juice.
On average your typical American downloaded 26 apps in 2014, an expected jump to 30-32 this year (Nielsen). This means that we are downloading so many different apps, our batteries practically don’t even stand a chance to begin with.
There are certain apps that run at the startup of your phone, the ones already installed basically (with a few exceptions, of course), and then other ones that are strictly run by the user. When it comes to the biggest battery draining apps, here’s how it breaks up between the two:
Run By User:
Snapchat – This app just eats both memory usage (and they say the photos are gone forever…) and battery life.
Netflix – Of course this app will take a huge hunk of battery, just try it with the brightness down next time during your binge watch session!
Amazon Shopping – The amount of background data this app uses to show current offers and promos is ridiculous. Literally.
Spotify – As with Netflix, this is an obvious battery sucker. Be sure your phone screen is locked while listening!
BBC News/Outlook – Both of these apps take an insane amount of battery and can be cut down by creating a shortcut and uninstalling the actual app.
Run At Startup:
Facebook – You will definitely want to delete the Facebook app from your phone and make a shortcut on your homescreen, having the app constantly steals juice from your phone to keep your notifications updated.
Facebook Messenger – Same as Facebook, delete it and create a shortcut.
Google Maps – For GPS to be running constantly for Google Maps it requires A LOT of battery life, just turn it off until you really need it. (Your Pokemon Go can wait).
Yikes, so you use, and really need, all of those apps? Well don’t worry, here are a few more tips to save some much needed battery life, after all, you never know when you’ll have to show a friend a new song, snap an insanely great selfie, or catch the elusive Mewtwo.
Let's Waste Time 